c h e e r

so i'm just wondering: what does life look like after the modern, cool, glittery, perfectly-diyed, country, minimal, pink, jose villa photographed weddings are over?

weddings are a wonderful thing. marriage is something i believe in. it should be celebrated.

but come on.

__________________________________________________________________________________

i struggled all throughout my engagement.  i could feel the dissonance.  leaving my family and starting a new one almost seemed unbearable.  see there is a lot of hurt that happens growing up.  walls come up.  relationships are divided. grandmothers aren't who you thought they'd be. disappointments run rampant. i had decided while facing these hurts in my formative years, my relationships would be reconciled before i got married [became an 'adult'].  well they didn't.

i cried a lot. some people thought i didn't love jacob. anxiety disrupted my sleep. i was sad but i couldn't pin-point what was happening to me. i felt incredibly guilty that my engagement experience didn't reflect the lovely posts on oncewed or style me pretty.

so i held on to the tiny bits of truth that came straight from my gut. jacob was someone that i could trust. he was someone that i wanted to journey with. he wasn't afraid of seeing my shit.  i fought hard against the ugly lies in my head that made those truths silent. really, i still do.

reconciliation is still in the process. its been a point of struggle and intimacy in my marriage. its something that keeps my heart tender. its something worth working towards. i believe this is something i will continue to fight for. and that's ok. and that's what happens after engagement.

have a good saturday.